White on White [on leaving]

Well, I am officially visa-fied. I really think I was psyching myself out over nothing, after reading online about how anal and tough they are. I was sooo paranoid. I went last night to Kinkos to take my picture and the lady said she'd had someone say their picture in a white shirt was unacceptable because of the white background (I was wearing a white shirt). I didn't think the consulate would care about my shoulders but I went home to change just to be on the safe side. I brought a whole folder full of stuff, bank statements going back three months for all my accounts, copies of my loan application, something about the house, every letter my school had ever sent me… I'd read not to even bother applying until you had all your loans approved and everything, but mine aren't processed yet, so I was really worried they would say no, I don't have enough money. The woman just took a cursory glance at the top of the pile of bank statements I handed her and asked how much the loan I had applied for was for. Ta dum! So it was no big deal. But better to err on the safe side. I wasn't the only one, there was one girl who had a letter of support from her mother notarized. I got there about 40 minutes early and I was the last appointment so I didn't get my interview till noon. But I sat reading and chatted with a girl who is going to do her undergrad at St Andrews for a while, so it was fine. In between the interview and picking up my visa-fied passport I went to Santa Monica to buy a sink plug at REI.

I came up with a clever way to use up all the blank cds I found… I'm making a travel mix to give as a party favor at my bon voyage tomorrow night. As well as the cds I found the most incredible amount of stuff I thought had disappeared when Pat was here Wednesday helping me pack up all my stuff. Kyle helped me move it all into storage, I don't know where I would be without them, probably dead. I found a missing flying fox temple balm, a bag I thought I had gotten rid of, my missing tennis shoes, my old passport! Which it turned out I didn't need for my visa application.

I'm slowly emptying my inbox by replying to all the emails that have been sitting there forever. I imagine if I had left as early as I wanted to I would have left a lot of things undone. As it is I am feeling very frantic about leaving and maybe because I am so busy a little ambiguous about it, too. I suppose it is more healthy than just being completely relieved to take off, opposition in all things etc, but probably comes from being tired more than anything else. Too tired to feel excited, though I know I am excited. Am I doing the right thing? (What else is there to do? But really, I can't imagine anything I'd rather.) Won't I be lonely on my own? I've been let down recently in so many ways, big and small, that it will be a relief to be on my own and not let anyone else, other than myself, have the opportunity to let me down for a while.